How To Support A Friend Without Becoming Their Therapist

Hi there, thanks for tuning in, I’m so glad you’re here! <3 I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: creating this blog has been my way of navigating the crazy of undergrad life while making others feel a little less isolated in it. So, if your group chats are a string of venting recently, or if you’ve been biting off more than you can chew—this one's for you. Let’s get into it!

If you're the "psych friend," or just someone who's naturally an empathetic human being, then you've probably been there: Someone you love is in pain, and they turn to you. They vent. They cry. They say, "I just need to talk to someone." And so, you don't sleep. You guide them through it. You offer counsel and reassurance. You do your best to be a helpful friend. But then it comes again, and again, and again. Now you're not only assisting a friend, you're single-handedly propping them up and carrying them through whatever they’re experiencing.

I'm a psych major. I'm a crisis counselor. I've mentored students through some heavy stuff. And yet, I've had to relearn repeatedly that it is possible to be a good friend without being available 24/7 for everything. Because let's be honest: you can love someone and still need some space. You can be supportive without being their therapist. This is what navigating through this has looked like for me. 

1. You don't have to fix everything:

When someone is opening up to you, especially about deep topics or experiences, it can be easy to freak out a bit. You start to sort through your head trying to find the "right" thing to say, or the perfect piece of advice. But eventually, I  realized most people aren't looking for an answe, they just want to feel validated and listened to. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is, "I'm really sorry you're going through this." Or even, "That sounds really heavy. I'm here for you.” That kind of authenticity and presence says much more than offered advice, especially when advice is unsolicited. It lets the pressure off of you, and it makes the conversation more genuine.

2. Your energy matters, too:

You know that gut reaction when someone sends a text “Hey can I talk to you real quick?" and you find yourself emotionally gearing up before you even answer? That's your body telling you that you're feeling overwhelmed, and it's okay to listen to it! I'm guilty of thinking that having boundaries made me a bad friend. I now know that having boundaries makes me a stronger person in the long-run, ultimately making me a better friend too. You're allowed to say: "Hey, I really do want to be there for you, but I'm kind of feeling drained right now. Can we talk later?" Your actual friend will understand. And if they don’t, that's an entirely different conversation. Protecting your energy doesn't equate to not caring. It equates to wanting to keep showing up without burning out in doing so.

3. You're not a therapist (and your friend probably doesn't want you to be):

As someone who studies psychology, I’ve definitely caught myself trying to “decode” what someone’s going through instead of just being present with it. Like thinking, “Maybe this is a fear of abandonment stemming from childhood” when all they wanted was someone to listen and nod. You don't need to study their habits or turn every vent session into a case study. You're not their therapist, and honestly, a friend usually won’t need you to be. What they do need is someone who will listen uncritically, who can sit in the chaos with them, but also knows how to say, "This may be more than I can help you out with.”

4. It's okay to refer out:

If things just keep getting worse, or you're emotionally in over your head, it's alright to say something. And in my opinion, it doesn’t make you selfish, it just makes you honest! You can say: "This sounds like something that a professional might be better equipped to help you handle! I care about you a great deal and want to make sure you can get the best support accessible to you." And you can still remain a helpful and good friend while prodding them to broaden their support network. I've learned that sometimes someone simply needs you to verbalize it out loud-to remind them that therapy is not just okay, it's healthy.

5. Aftercare is not just for them:

This was something that took me a while to realize. After a bad conversation, I would just go back to what I was doing like nothing happened. But the emotional residue does not disappear just because the conversation is over. Now, I try to ask myself: "How did that affect me?" "Do I feel okay, or do I need to wind down a bit?" “What would help me reset right now?” Whatever it is, give yourself permission to recover after helping someone else. It doesn’t mean you’re weak or overreacting. It means you’re human.

Final thoughts:

You can show up for someone without showing up at your own expense. You’re allowed to take breaks. You’re allowed to say “not right now. You’re allowed to not be the one fixing everything all the time. Being a good friend is about loving with boundaries. Being present without carrying the full load. That's real support!

Thank you for reading. I know this topic can feel heavy, especially if you're already in the midst of figuring out how to take care of someone. Just a reminder: you're not a terrible friend for having boundaries. You're not selfish for needing sleep. And you're definitely not alone in trying to figure all this out along the way. Take care of your people, but take care of yourself, too!

Love your favorite undergrad, 

Apama <3